panic attack

February 13th.
Today was like a roller coaster. I was up at 5 to make it into town by 7:30 for a trip to a volunteer’s site. I had to no idea what to expect. It took about an hour by van to get there. We turned off the Pan-American Highway and drove for about 30 minutes on an unpaved road. And when I say unpaved we were literally bumping up and down and rocking all over. We later find out that the volunteer who is in the site we are going to is required to wear a breathing mask when he rides the bus on this road because the air is so dirty and he has already been hospitalized with 2 respiratory infections. It was horrible. It was then that I started to become anxious. Really anxious. We finally got to the end of this road, passing through multiple villages, all with mud huts. At that point I finally said… no way. Not a fucking chance am I going to live like this. There was nothing around except for mud huts and a school. Pigs in the road. Cows shitting everywhere. Roosters were crowing and a lonely American Peace Corps volunteer trying to help this remote village. I was actually stressed out. I was seriously thinking that I made a mistake and perhaps this Peace Corps idea was not for me after all. I more or less said to myself… if I show up to my site and it’s the same as this… American Airlines should expect a call from me. I’m coming home.
We met the kid whose site it is. His name is Matt. Matt is a laid back art major from UMASS Amherst with a mustache. (use your imagination) He showed us one of his projects, which was raising chickens in a coop. Most Salvadorians don’t believe in caging their chickens. But research shows that if you cage them they will be cleaner, healthier, and produce more eggs. So with 30 chickens in 4 square meter coop you can produce 30 eggs a day which will bring in about 2 dollars a day. Or half the wage you would earn working for 8 hours in the sugar cane field. Something like that was interesting to me and seemed like a good project. But after taking care of your chickens in the morning… what do you do?!?. I need to be busy. I think for the first time in my life I was having a panic attack. The entire day I questioned myself and asked do I really want to do this?? What would I do if I went back to the states? I have no car. No money. No job. Would I be considered a failure? A quitter? Ok I have to stick with it for at least 6 months I tell myself. It’s only 6 months. If I don’t like it then I can go home. These people live like this for 60 years. I can do it for 6 months.
By the time we left I was feeling a little better. Another trainee sort of talked me through it. But I was still uneasy. I guess I’m just hoping and always have assumed that I will get a better site.
When we got back to the training center later in the afternoon another group was also returning. They went and visited a volunteer who is living at a beach community. OOOO did they have a different day then I did. They went swimming. Released new born turtles into the ocean and relaxed in a beautiful beach front home where this volunteer lives. In El Salvador the majority of families have at least one member of their family living in the United States. Because of this, many families get sent money and build big beautiful homes they otherwise would not be able to afford. And some El Salvadorian Americans build vacation homes or homes for when they come back to retire here. In the case of the girl at the beach she lived in the home of an American that plans to come back and retire. But for now… its her very own beach side palace. To make it short and sweet… I need one of these! Otherwise its AA (and not the AA you’re thinking… AA for American Airlines)